In the last couple of months, I’ve started any number of posts. And I’ve stopped every one. I have drafts of drafts and revisions and updates and nothing seemed to be what I wanted. Nothing what I thought worthy of sharing. Nothing I finished. But I’m a blogger, so something had to come out eventually…
I wanted to be honest, I wanted to ask you to withhold your judgments on something you know nothing about, I wanted to let you know how okay I am, I wanted you to know how ok my children are, I wanted you to know the answers to the questions you keep asking. But you never asked me.
So I didn’t share.
At the end of the day, the answers you seek so desperately, even though they are none of your damn business, are never going to be the right ones. Because even with them, you’ve made your judgment.
I wanted to tell you that your judgments hold no value. And then that felt like you’d think they did. The ridiculousness of the human mind astounds me.
I hope that the versions of me you’ve decided upon in your head, are good ones. Maybe, I’m the heroic mom who made the difficult move, in the best interests of her children. Maybe, I’m the woman who left behind emotional disaster, and you’re proud of me for doing the hard thing. Maybe, you really don’t give a shit (this is my favorite version of me that you’ve made up.) Or maybe, your version of me isn’t good. Maybe, your version of me is the one you drew up in your head, with the answers to the questions, you never asked me.
I’m ok with all of that.
I don’t need you to be.
I need me to be.
And you know what version of me is my ultimate fav? The real one. Have you met her? She’s god damn amazing AF!
I can tell you, that I’m ashamed for how I judged others in my situation. And I’m sorry. I can tell you that I never knew any of the feelings they had. I can tell you that I never understood why they would put their children through that. I can tell you that I have learned. I can tell you that I will never again judge anyone in that situation. And I can tell you, that what you think is going on, is not.
Not that you asked me.
But, thanks for asking.