November 23rd, 2 a.m., we meet again.
Of all the days and all the trials, you are by far my biggest nemesis. I fear you.
I hate that after seven years you still have immense power over me. You can control my thoughts. I surrender my feelings to you. This year, you have not only grasped me mentally, but have physically left me powerless at times. For weeks prior to your arrival, you haunt me.
I end up right back in that hospital room with the plastic couch. Bright lights glaring at me in a daze as I’m told to leave the room. “He needs to be intubated or he might not make it through the night.” I hear the doctor say as a nurse walks me out and more medical staff rush in. I’m left to wait in question, wonder, and shock. Terrified. Utterly terrified. Unwilling to reveal those feelings. I must always be strong, I must not crumble, I can’t crumble.
But I needed to. I needed to surrender my feelings in that moment. I refused to show weakness outside of that one crushing phone call I had to make, for fear that you would get me. Jokes on me.
I often feel helpless to you. I continue to wonder when you will stop hurting me, and pray you stop creeping in at the most inopportune times to remind me of your existence.
I’m working on you. I’m learning how to counter your attacks and minimize the pull you have on me. I sometimes wish I could pull out a wand and throw a Patronus charm at you. It would be one bad ass mom unwilling to quit, and you would be left to surrender, powerless. I will get there, and you will lose the grip you have. I promise you, it’s coming, and I will win.
What I have achieved in the last seven years, is aligning my emotions to my body. I’m no longer protecting myself entirely from you. I’ve let you in as completely as I can, and you suck, royally. The physical weakness you have added on to me this year, it’s my body finally feeling the pull you’ve had on me. It hurts like hell. But I’ve never encountered a mountain I couldn’t climb, so here I am.
Feel the Fear- Do it Anyway
In 2018, ironically the week before Charlie was diagnosed with Atrial Flutters and had to be again hospitalized for Thanksgiving, I got this tattooed on my arm. It has been a steady reminder to keep going. To do the hard things. Feel the feelings, but keep pushing forward.
It’s 2 a.m. and I am reveling in my beautiful boy, breathing peaceful on the couch next to me, his heart clicking with every beat. I’ve stared at him most of the night, I’d like to say it’s all for him, but it’s not. He does know you are there. He can feel you creep close and he also wants you to go away. I’ve got him covered though, and you can’t touch him. He perfected his Patronus a long time ago- he calls it Mom. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of it.
We have a day and a half to go to guarantee we’re home for Thanksgiving. We are currently 3-3 and we hate tie games. Despite the fear, we’ve got a good feeling about this one.