You, you are not what I planned on. You were an unexpected, never thought it would happen, blessing. And ever since that day I cried on the bathroom floor with joy that you were coming, you have done nothing less than surprise me.
I’ve watched your eyes twitch under your eye lids for hours, in fear that if I lay you down you’ll wake.
I’ve held you, counting your respirations. Guessing and second guessing myself over and over if I could’ve possibly counted that right.
I’ve watched your saturations go up and down, and down again and hang there as I pray that they will increase and you can feel relief.
I’ve questioned myself on the depth of your retractions and if they are worse than usually or not. Mostly trying to convince myself they are not because I so badly want to keep you healthy.
I’ve drawn up med after med after med for you. I’ve given them to you in numerous creative ways to get you to take them. And I’ve made sure that you never run out of what you need. And that all of your desperate situation meds are on hand.
I’ve driven you to numerous appointments, scheduled and unscheduled. We’ve spent numerous hours together in doctors offices, hospitals, labs, and emergency rooms.
I pray to God in desperation that you will be ok. That you will always be ok. I don’t need perfect, you are that for me just the way you are. I just need ok.
I have watched you bounce back, over and over and over. I have watched you complete tasks you never should have gotten to. I have watched you be a boy. I have watched you be you.
I have shared in every triumph. Every first. Every second first, we were blessed to have these a few times. I am and always will be your biggest fan and your hardest cheerleader.
I will watch you struggle and I will struggle with you. I will watch you fall and I will fall with you. I will watch you get back up more times then you fall, and each and every time, I will get back up with you. I will watch you persevere, and I will persevere right along side. We will fail and we will succeed together.
I will let you fail, you must fail to succeed, but I refuse to let you quit. I am stubborn, you are that and more. You will refuse to let yourself quit. From a miracle you were created and a miracle you will remain.
You are so much more than blonde hair, long eye lashes, and smirks. You are a force to be reckoned with. You are motivation. You are strength. You are life. You are Charlie.